Sorry for Another Blog about Super Junior, I Still Try To Make These Intellectual and Stuff

Having grown up disdainful of American pop music, especially of the boy-band variety, I never realized until tonight how loud and resonant a stadium full of screaming girls can be. That is to say, I finally saw Super Junior perform.

Perform is the key word. I did not see them sing. Tonight, just before I went out with my English coteacher, I noticed a long, long line of teenage girls stretching up a hill, and then down a hill, and then up part of a third hill by my house. “Good gracious,” I thought, “I must be near the pubescent girl factory.” I asked my friend Megan what was going on and she replied nonchalantly, “Free Super Junior concert.” Friends, never have four words had such an immediate impact on my plans. The next part of my story is pretty boring, but it involves me running up and down hills for a while and then standing in line for an even longer while, only to find out that the “concert” that I was attending was actually a five-year celebration party/variety show.

What does a five year party/variety show look like? Well... it involved some sorts of competitions that I didn't understand because I don't speak Korean, and also some question and answer time that I didn't understand because I don't speak Korean, and finally some tearful speeches that I also didn't understand for the aforementioned reason. It also involved a lot of screaming.... Friends, it may be hard to believe (it was hard for me to believe myself), but the excitement of being in the same room as tanned and dapper Choi Siwon wears off. After about an hour of confusion (interrupted by occasional video medleys with pictures of Super Junior over the past five years, interrupted by the sound of 10,000 girls screaming, I was beginning to get bored. I started going over my school assignment in my head, and realized, with a fright that at that moment I was procrastinating from watching Super Junior by thinking about homework—an exact reversal of my pattern for the past two years!

I think the strangest part of the night for me wasn't going to the performance and actually finding myself disinterested, but it was more people-watching girls after the concert. Super Junior fan girls are rabid, to put it mildly. All of them were pushing and shoving, moaning audibly and screaming as Super Junior passed by in their cars. A group of about twenty girls chased after the cars, throwing themselves at the windows and banging on them, screaming words in Korean that I couldn't understand not because I don't speak Korean, but because they were rendered unintelligible by the sheer volume of desperation.

The nature of their affection was a little alarming to me. I mean, it was clear to me that Super Junior did not have the same affection towards the girls as the girls had for Super Junior. Super Junior was not waiting out in the cold to see them, nor were they buying posters with the girl's faces to hang on their wall. Even I was not entirely unconvicted as I sat their waiting with a friend-- I realized that Super Junior was never going to trowel the internet searching for cute pictures of me (incidentally though, if they ever did, I hope they find the one beneath this paragraph)

I actually recognized a little bit of myself in some of the girls. I remember in high school I once wrote a journal entry about wanting to fit in with my peers. I wanted them to know me and like me, but every time I spent time with them, I felt myself to shy to talk to them, or presenting myself to them in a way that felt false and left a sour taste in my mouth. I wrote, “I just think that if they knew me, they would like me. I don't know how I could show them my true self hidden beneath this skin, but I wish I could just inject myself into their blood like a heroin. Suddenly, they would understand deep inside who I am and they would like me.” That same longing for acceptance that I felt so poignantly was seen again tonight in the girls chasing after the band.. Their screaming and arrhythmic pounding against the car windows was unintelligible, but wholly understandable as, “If you only knew me, you would accept me!”

PS: Hey guys, this is Renee's fangirl side speaking. Most of this blog is really introspective and thoughtful, but just so you don't get fooled, it's still Super Junior for lyfe! I just wanted other SuJu fans to know that Kangin came from military service to make a final speech with the band. 11 members reunited! It was touching! Also, I mentioned on facebook the other day that somehow I got 20 views from this blog from a link on Choi Siwon's twitter account (how did it ever get there?). I am totally going to pretend one of those views was from Siwon. Dear Siwon, if you are reading this, I want to hang out with you and talk about Africa. I have a pretty tight schedule here in Seoul, but I think I would make accommodations for you. Love, Renee.